


All I had was my word

by darkmoore



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, post episode s20 e9: Mea Culpa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: All he'd had was his word. That he wasn't a rapist. That he hadn't done what they accused him of. But it wasn't enough.Peter tries to come to terms with what that means for him.  (Post s20, e9: Mea Culpa)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3
Collections: Hurt/Comfort Bingo - Round 11





	All I had was my word

**Author's Note:**

> This story wouldn't exist without my wonderful friend [Taste_is_sweet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_is_Sweet/pseuds/Taste_is_Sweet). She showed me that it's up to me, how I interpret the prompts of my h/c BINGO table. Thank you so much for that!  
> Also massive thanks go to [Brumeier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier) for being a phenomenal beta and even more fantastic friend. Thank you so much. I owe you!  
> And to my sis, [ca_pierson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_pierson/pseuds/ca_pierson), who read this even though she doesn't know the fandom. I appreciate it so much, sis. *hugs*
> 
> This story fills the "loss of identity" square of my h/c BINGO card.

_”What? You don’t think they’re coming for you one day?”_ Chris Hodges’ words still rang in Peter’s ears and he poured himself another drink. 

Words he’d hissed at Peter as he was being led away, under arrest for sexually assaulting a girl in high school fifteen years ago. An ADA, working with sex crimes, a supposed advocate for victims of sexual assault, felled by the sins of his past. 

A hypocrite. A predator. A rapist. 

Back then, Peter had felt satisfaction at knowing Hodges would go down for what he did. He knew Hodges wouldn’t be able to harm anyone else either directly or by protecting his rapist high school buddy. It had felt good, putting him away and getting justice for the girl he’d tried to rape all those years ago. 

Not in a million years had Peter thought he would end up in the very same spot as Hodges just a few short weeks later: Accused of raping a woman twelve years ago. 

And just like with Hodges’ victim, Olivia had believed her. 

Of course, at first, she’d said she believed Peter, too, but soon enough it turned out she believed Sarah, the assault victim, just that bit more than him. 

Peter tossed back the rest of his drink and cradled the glass in his hands carefully. He felt like throwing it against the wall. Seeing it shatter into a million pieces probably wouldn’t be as satisfying as he thought, though. 

How had he ended up like this? Doubted, alienated from the people he had thought of as friends when in reality they were quick to mistrust him and even quicker to judge him. 

_“You said you believed me.”_ He’d said those words to Olivia, right before she arrested him. Right before she told him she also believed Sarah. 

How naïve he’d been to think she would know he was telling the truth. 

Under different circumstances, Peter would probably have admired Olivia for her unwavering loyalty to the victim. At that moment, however, he just felt betrayed. Betrayed and angry that his word wasn’t good enough. That no matter how often he told them that he wasn’t a rapist, that wasn’t who he was, no matter how drunk he’d been, that just wasn’t him. 

Peter wasn’t a rapist. 

Yes, he’d had his share of one-night stands. Yes, he’d spent more than one night using sex with a beautiful woman as a means to forget, especially after Pamela had died. But those women knew what they were getting into. They knew what they were _agreeing_ to. And Peter always, _always_ made sure they enjoyed themselves. He’d never let a woman go unsatisfied. 

And he’d never have sex with anyone against their will. 

_“I’m not a rapist!”_ How often had he said that, or variations of it, over the course of the last few days? 

How often had he pleaded with the people he considered to be his friends to believe him?

And when had the doubt started to creep in?

When had that little voice in his head started to question whether or not he was so sure he hadn’t lost control over himself while drunk off his ass?

When had the “I also believe her” turned into “I believe she is more credible than you” in his head? 

When had the thought that maybe giving up the fight and just … succumbing to it all started to sound so alluring? 

Because, after all, what did he have left to lose?

A job he hadn’t wanted in the first place and that he had only taken so he could stay and be near his sister. A sister who was now dead, leaving Peter all alone. 

Colleagues, who had proven to him in the most obvious way possible they weren’t actually friends – not when his reputation, hell, his life was on the line. 

And he’d already lost his confidence. The belief, no, the absolute certainty that no matter what anyone else said, he was not a bad person. He was not a rapist.

 _I know in my bones, in my heart and in my soul, I didn’t rape this woman._

He’d been so sure that was the truth, when he’d said those words to Olivia. He’d believed them with all that he was. 

And now?

Who was he, without his integrity?

Who was Peter Stone, without his moral compass?

Who was he when his word was no good anymore?

A fraud, maybe. 

Peter just didn’t know any more. 

So yes, for a while giving up had sounded like a valid option. 

Of course, Olivia had discovered the truth in the end, but Peter knew she hadn’t really done it _for him_. She’d done it because her curiosity had been piqued and because she considered it her duty to get full closure for the victim. 

Guilt weighed on him heavily when he realized that, while he hadn’t been the one to rape Sarah, it was his friend who had assaulted her and he had done so in Peter’s hotel room. Right there on the bed. 

The thought made him sick. 

He felt responsible. 

Of course, Olivia, now feeling no small amount of guilt herself for having doubted him, was quick to absolve him of any wrongdoing. But how much were her words really worth now? Were they just lip service or did she actually feel that way?

She’d tried to apologize and he’d told her that there was no need for that – just as was expected of him. He was expected to be fine with how things had gone down. 

Hell, he even told her about how he’d started to doubt himself. ‘Look, I still trust you, I’m still sharing things with you’ . That was the message behind the whole act. 

But deep inside of him something was broken that Peter wasn’t sure could ever be repaired again. It didn’t hurt quite as badly as Pamela’s loss still hurt, but in a way it felt worse. 

Because now that Peter had seen how quickly his so-called friends had turned their backs on him when things got rough, now Peter realized how utterly alone he truly was. What comfort he had found in their friendship after Pamela’s death was now tainted by their recent actions. 

They’d doubted him, so much so that he had started to doubt himself when there was no one there to fight for him. No one to shut up the voices in his head that said maybe he was a rapist after all. 

Even though all charges against him had been dropped, Peter wasn’t the same man as before. 

The part of him that had felt affection toward the people he worked with had been irrevocably lost. 

Case closed. Time to move on.


End file.
